The Silent Goodbye

 

 

"Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow"

 

Romeo and Juliet

Shakespeare

The call came in just before 9am on the Thursday before Easter. It was from my wife's older brother in California. This man is always cool, calm and collected. He tone was much different on that Thursday. He just received an e-mail concerning their brother, Scott. He had just been taken to the hospital in critical condition and was in the ICU. I got off the phone and went directly to the YMCA to inform my wife of this unexpected news. By early afternoon, she and her sister were in the car heading to the hospital in Milwaukee. At 3.45 the next day, her brother died. He was only 56 years old.

The blessing was my wife and her sister were at the bedside when their bother passed. The shame was by the time they arrived, he was heavily sedated and not fully conscious. Even though his eyes were closed and could not speak, they believed he was aware of their presence. The morning after Scott passed, they packed up and traveled back to the Twin Cities.

Ever since that weekend, life has been anything but normal. Grieving has taken a back seat to the memorial service in Milwaukee, a time of remembrance service in the Twin Cities, and then packing up and moving some of Scott's positions back home. It reminded us once again that death is often the unwelcome and unexpected guest. It is the destroyer of hopes, ambitions, dreams and schedules.

There were (and still are) a bevy of "administrivia" items to take care of. My wife's brother never married, never had any children. There was no will, no health directive, no final instructions. He, like many of us, did not expect to die this soon. A huge baseball fan, he was focused on the new season with the nice weather coming. Instead, the family is tying up his final expenses, funeral costs, medical costs, and any other outstanding bills. With many of us, if we left suddenly, our plates would not be "clean".

Putting all of that aside, the saddest thing with a sudden passing is regret - the regret of not having the final good bye, the final "I love you", the final hug. When my mother in law passed, she had a very long good bye. She had a chance to put many things in order, most importantly her relationships. We had the chance to say our final good byes, have our last hug. When she left this world, she left "clean" as all relationships which may have been broken at one time, were healed.

In the midst of the pain of Scott's sudden passing, we are left with some simple reminders. First, live every day as it is the last. It may be. Don't let broken relationships fester. Forgive, forgive, forget. Love easily, with no conditions. Have your affairs in order, so if you leave quickly, you don't leave a "mess" for your family. Have a will, a health directive, and instructions on how you want your funeral (cremation?).

Scott is gone, but will not be forgotten. I knew him for almost 40 years. He was in high school when I was dating my wife. Scott and I would sit and chat for the longest time about a great many of things. One day my wife asked me if I came to her house to see her, her dog, or talk to her brother. I wanted to say "all three", but I did not dare. Scott went on in life to earn more than one advanced degree, including a PhD. He was as a senior lecturer at UW in Milwaukee. My regret at the end was I did not have he same close and easy relationship with him I did in the beginning. I can't change that - I really wish I could. Our good bye was quick and silent. Way too quick and much too silent. That is my deepest regret.